1. Given your druthers, which of the following would you take to the annual fall ice cream social/sock hop?
a. Westley (1)
b. Vizzini (4)
c. Fezzik (3)
d. Inigo (2)
While dating me is like dueling to the pain, Cary Elwes must not be forgiven for Saw. Besides, “as you wish” gets pretty old pretty quickly, subservient though I may be (cf. question 6). I’m not nearly single-minded enough to work the Indigo mojo, and my lack of unresolved daddy issues would also seem to disqualify me. Accordingly, while I am sportsmanlike, ginormous, and look good in a tunic, overthinking is kinda my thing. So Vizzini it is. See? Method and madness au meme temps. Plus some French to boot.
2. You are the figurative cheese to the bald man’s metaphorical macaroni. Which variety are you?
a. gouda (4)
b. cheddar (2)
c. pepperjack (3)
d. brie (1)
This is something of a time capsule query. While I’ve never been down with brie, cheddar was my cheese of choice in the 80’s, pepperjack dominated the 90’s, and gouda rules the aughts. And yes, I have given this quite a lot of thought.
3. You are mackin’ in the back seat (or possibly the trunk) of your Daihatsu. Which of the following songs is on the radio, setting the mood for your smoocheration?
a. “Tubular Bells” (2)
b. “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” (4)
c. “Conjunction Junction” (3)
d. “The Linus and Lucy Rag” (1)
This query, as you might have surmised, pertains to moral turpitude. “The Linus and Lucy Rag” inspires naught but happy solo dancing; “Tubular Bells” is all about stalkery proximity-good, clean fun, but not useful for smoochin’ (unless you happen to be Linda Blair). “Conjunction Junction” is exactly as saucy as it sounds; it sometimes leads to “Verb!” As for “Peanut Butter Jelly Time”? Well, let’s just say I normally save that for the third date, once I’m certain my smoochin’ partner is allergy-free.
4. You discover the bald man’s reasonably unhealthy attraction to mimes. You accordingly spend much of your quality time…
a. trapped inside imaginary boxes (2)
b. climbing imaginary ladders (4)
c. walking against imaginary wind (3)
d. leaning against imaginary walls (1)
Mmm…mimes ranked in order of aspirational value. What could be sexier?
5. Based on your karmic performance in this lifetime, you will most likely be reincarnated as…
a. desulforudis audaxviator (2)
b. mapusaurus roseae (1)
c. najash rionegrina (3)
d. helarctos malayanus (4)
Have you seen helarctos malayanus? Adorable and portable, just the way I like’em. I am naturally drawn to rio’s versatility and dax’s self-possession, but rosie (as I like to call her), while possessed of fetching femurs, is essentially the Fran Drescher of the late Cretaceous period. And I’m no Charles Shaughnessy.
6. The bald man, as we all know, is unnervingly androgynous. From which gender-inappropriate cartoon character have you learned the most precious life lessons?
a. Funshine Bear (1)
b. Ookla the Mok (2)
c. Barbapapa (3)
d. Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living (4)
Mumm-Ra teaches us that plotting to enslave the denizens of Third Earth while rocking a loincloth is perfectly appropriate, and I would hope my boo will feel the same way. Barbapapa may well be a shape-shifting figment of my imagination, which I think you’ll agree is more unnerving than sexy (but just barely). Ookla teaches us all about loyalty and comic timing; because he was among the first to wear Uggs, however, he’s also an emblem of high-maintenance Mokness. Funshine Bear celebrates both irresponsibility and gender reassignment, and I cannot support irresponsible gender reassignment (cf. question 7).
7. The bald man is, as you might expect, a roller derby aficionado. Which of the following bitchin’ roller derby names would you most wish to claim as your own?
a. Abra Cadaver (2)
b. Clownsnack (4)
c. Eva Destruction (1)
d. Sadie Masochist (3)
Clownsnack is indisputably the most nonsensual of roller derby names, and as for Sadie Masochist, any derby name that can be found in the DSM-IV strikes me as delectably highbrow. Abra Cadaver defaults into second, as Eva Destruction also happens to be the burlesque name of Alexis Arquette, the least talented member of the Arquette clan. Better to date a magical cadaver, I say.
8. Much to the chagrin of native speakers of English, the bald man makes up roughly 54% of all the words he uses. Which of the following portmanteau words would you most wish to claim as your own?
a. ouroborobotic (2)
b. ampersandwich (3)
c. curlicubicle (1)
d. nonsensual (4)
A curlicued cubicle? That’s just silly. An adjective that collapses ouroboros and robotic, thus implying a robot inclined to swallow its own tail? Awesome, but kwazy. As a double-duty word (implying sandwiched between ampersands or an actual ampersand sandwich, which sounds delicious), ampersandwich could really come with a bag of chips, which implies that it’s probably “all that,” as the kids say. However, let’s face it: the prospect of sensual nonsense is what brought you here in the first place, unless you’re a really terrible typist.
9. The bald man, as you may have noticed, refers to himself in the third-person with appalling regularity. What would you choose as your own third-person nom de diablerie?
a. the wiggedy minx (4)
b. the muscatel jezebel (1)
c. the woebegone amazon (2)
d. the tricksy vixen (3)
Both muscatel jezebel and woebegone amazon are double dactyls, which can lead to nothing but inappropriate giggling. A tricksy vixen might be a hobbit or a furry, either of which is fine alone but strike me as problematic when spliced together. When in doubt, always stick with the wiggedy; that’s some folk wisdom for ya
10. You just finished the Bald Man Compatibility Quiz! How do you feel?
a. squishy (1)
b. bewigginsed (4)
c. woozy (3)
d. reprobate (2)
The only correct answer is “deeply ashamed.” The rest are just approximations thereof.
To the raw score tabulated by adding up the numerical value of your responses, please add or subtract the following:
Did you complete the whole goldurned quiz? Then add ten to your score. That’s the commitment to whimsy we’re looking for.
If you started the quiz but opted not to finish, subtract one point for every question you skipped. Additionally, if you added write-in responses, subtract one for each. Seriously, this test has been calibrated to meet the empirical standards of the National Consortium of Practicing Bald Folk. We can’t have you just making stuff up willy-nilly.
Finally, add one point for every item you actually bothered to Google, because it’s nice to know you cared.
Next time: what your score actually means, if anything!
