Today’s post will involve miscellaneous meanderings, but they will all be set against the backdrop of my rickety self-discipline (hence the Blake in the subject, which is one of the very few times you’ll see me quote anything but The Marriage of Heaven and Hell).  As a word of worldly advice, it is generally unwise to begin a new phase of a fitness regimen and to embrace (while attempting to chasten) your oldest, profoundest desires when spring is springing and temptations abound.  Oh Eddie Kendricks, you done me wrong.

In an attempt to release some of the existential pressure, I went on a wild Bald Man shopping spree this morning, the kind of excursion that would normally involve a montage of jaunty hats and a little Cyndi Lauper in the background.  I wound up buying a new vacuum cleaner (as my old one was becoming increasingly tetchy and has smelled of a former roomie’s wet dog for years now) and a new microwave (to replace one that posed an unusual challenge, as only four of the twelve buttons on the touch-pad worked at any given time), which should just remind you that the bald man knows how to party.  I’ll also be resuming my full schedule at the gym this week, since it looks like we’ve crossed the requisite weather line.  I’m taking for granted that a little active narcissism will be the cure for what ails me.  Unless what ails me is spring fever, in which case I’m probably screwed.

A few folks have written me privately and publicly regarding job market business, and while I’m happy to field questions of all shapes and sizes, right now I probably can’t comment on our recent Early Modern job search with any real particularity.  I will say that we had an embarrassment of riches, four extraordinary finalists who all acquitted themselves to admiration, but beyond that I reckon that I ought to keep mum on the subject.  As a sidelong comment, I should also note that messages sent to me at my CMU address are available to any slackjawed gawker with the idle time to make a FOIA request, so please be circumspect about what you send.  I have about 44 email addresses, of course–this blog links to billwandless@yahoo.com, the least piratical of the lot–so if you wish to inquire about various and sundry, you always have someplace to turn.

Speaking of inquiry, I’m also mulling over how I ought to respond to a few pointed questions that have come my way regarding my Sex and the Single Professor posts.  I should note that none of them bear on especially scandalous matters–as everyone knows, I am the most folksy and wholesome of lambkins–but in the aggregate they might warrant a post of their own.  A thoughtful response will have to wait until I have my restless cathexes under wraps once again.

That’s all for today.  I have a few grading letters left to type up, and then I’m off to reread The Faerie Queene.

At last, by not-especially-popular demand, the post the ladies have all been waiting for:  The Bald Man Compatibility Quiz; or, Why I Remain Single, Part 114 of 114!!!

This is, as Serious Cat will confirm, a very serious quiz.  There’s a scoring system involved and tiered results and everything.  It’s just like Cosmopolitan, except not very cosmopolitan.  That’s how we protect ourselves from copyright infringement.

You can take the quiz today, and I’ll post the scoring system when the weekend comes around.  You’ll have to wait until next week to find where you fall in the bald man compatibility continuum.  Can you handle the suspense?  I sure can’t!

Without further ado, the most quizzical quiz you ever will see:

1.  Given your druthers, which of the following would you take to the annual fall ice cream social/sock hop?

            a. Westley

            b. Vizzini

            c. Fezzik

            d. Inigo

2.  You are the figurative cheese to the bald man’s metaphorical macaroni.  Which variety are you?

            a. gouda

            b. cheddar

            c. pepperjack

            d. brie

3. You are mackin’ in the back seat (or possibly the trunk) of your Daihatsu.  Which of the following songs is on the radio, setting the mood for your smoocheration?

            a. “Tubular Bells”

            b. “Peanut Butter Jelly Time”

            c. “Conjunction Junction”

            d. “The Linus and Lucy Rag”

4.  You discover the bald man’s reasonably unhealthy attraction to mimes.  You accordingly spend much of your quality time…

            a. trapped inside imaginary boxes

            b. climbing imaginary ladders

            c. walking against imaginary wind

            d. leaning against imaginary walls

5.  Based on your karmic performance in this lifetime, you will most likely be reincarnated as…

            a. desulforudis audaxviator

            b. mapusaurus roseae

            c. najash rionegrina

            d. helarctos malayanus

6.  The bald man, as we all know, is unnervingly androgynous.  From which gender-inappropriate cartoon character have you learned the most precious life lessons?

            a. Funshine Bear

            b. Ookla the Mok

            c. Barbapapa

            d. Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living

7.  The bald man is, as you might expect, a roller derby aficionado.  Which of the following bitchin’ roller derby names would you most wish to claim as your own?

            a. Abra Cadaver

            b. Clownsnack

            c. Eva Destruction

            d. Sadie Masochist

8.  Much to the chagrin of native speakers of English, the bald man makes up roughly 54% of all the words he uses.  Which of the following portmanteau words would you most wish to claim as your own?

            a. ouroborobotic

            b. ampersandwich

            c. curlicubicle

            d. nonsensual

9.  The bald man, as you may have noticed, refers to himself in the third-person with appalling regularity.  What would you choose as your own third-person nom de diablerie?

            a. the wiggedy minx

            b. the muscatel jezebel

            c. the woebegone amazon

            d. the tricksy vixen

10.  You just finished the Bald Man Compatibility Quiz!  How do you feel?

            a. squishy

            b. bewigginsed

            c. woozy

            d. reprobate

That’s it!  Tune in next time (“next time” here meaning one representative point in a possible future, not necessarily the very next time) for the results!